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Thursday, December 10, 2009

"It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas"

Oh, let me tell you a story to introduce my little, actually long post.

I hate public speaking. With a passion. I'm that person who stumbles over their words, gets flustered, blushes, plays with the rubber band on her wrist, and frequently say "uhm" when I lose my train of thought. HATE PUBLIC SPEAKING.

I've had to take 2 speech classes in my life. First in high school and then in college. To say it was torture would be sparing you my true feelings about it. While in my college class, they made us give the typical speeches: Narrative, Informative, and Persuasive. We could pick anything under the sun for our topics. I was struggling on what to pick for a persuasive speech. While driving home from work one night inspiration hit. Christmas lights. Let me just tell you how perturbed I get about Christmas lights. This spawned a speech on how I believe there should be rules for Christmas decorations. It was a hit.

Everytime I drive, I critique people's decoration. One of my dream jobs would be for people to let me decorate their houses for Christmas. It would make me happy to say the least.

So here is a list of rules I think should be implemented for Christmas Decorations. I apologize now, I wanted to go around and take pictures of the idiots' houses I see on a daily basis, but I didn't think they would appreciate that so I must use internet examples.

1.) Decorating for Christmas before Christmas season officially begins should be a sin. I think this stems from a few separate facts. First, I worked retail. I started decorating Christmas trees the beginning of September. It ruined it, seriously. Second, I like to enjoy each holiday as it comes. I love turkey day and want to enjoy turkey day. Black Friday is the official start of Christmas season and seeing people's decorations out before hand is annoying.

2.) No house should ever look like the house from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. You know what I mean? Like this.

Trying to light up the neighborhood is unacceptable. I shouldn't see the eye-sore called a house 3 miles away. It's tacky. Can you only imagine what their electric bill is like?!

3.) This would be the opposite of rule number 2. These are the people who do the most minimal decorations ever. You know the ones that only put out a light up deer and that is it. It is like they want to decorate but forgot to finish. The deer looks out of place. Either decorate a bit more (not to the extent of the above picture) or don't bother.

4.) This rule is for the lazy decorators. If you are going to be lazy, don't decorate. I'm talking about the retard trees.

This can be seen on trees or bushes when people haphazardly throw on some lights but do not bother to make it look normal. It drives me nuts.

5.) Have a theme. If you are going to have color lights, awesome, have color lights. If you are going to have white lights, then have white lights! Don't do all white, then add a smidge of color. It turns out looking like this.

The tree must be bleeding? I don't get it. It looks totally out of place. Themes are important people!!

6.) Decorations from the 80s should stay in the 80s. This includes huge blubs and plastic light up figurines.

I mean, really. By the way, who needs that many Santa's in their yard?! The one picture I really wanted to show you is a house I see on my way home from work every day. This house as a plastic nativity scene set out in front of their house. Now I love me some Jesus so I ignore that fact that it is plastic... but on one side with the wise men, there is a plastic church that sits behind it. Okay, a church that kind of makes some sense? Then on the other side behind the cattle and the shepherds sits Frosty. Now I've gone to church for many a years and read the Gospels many a times and never did I ever see any mention that Frosty came to see baby Jesus in the manger. This person brakes rules: plastic figurines and no theme. What a mess.

7.) Lastly, my most hated thing. These have been a fad for the last few years and I can't help but want to buy a BB gun and take care of every single one of them.

Inflatable decorations. Never in my life have I hated a Christmas decoration as much as I hate these things. I mean look at this yard, Christmas literally threw up in this yard. Clean up is obviously needed here.

And that is it. 7 simple rules. I need to petition to get this going. The world would be a better place. At least for me! 8)


Anna said...

omg this is HILARIOUS! Each rule I read I agreed more and more, thinking wow, she is reading my mind, but the kicker is SHOOTING THE INFLATABLE DECORATIONS!!! That is the EXACT THOUGHT I always have when I pass them..."oh man a BB gun would be so satisfying right now"
The absolute worst are the inflatables for other holidays...like easter bunnies. ugh*shudder*

Meghan O said...

I'm in complete agreement!

Your #6 made me literally lol. Frosty visiting baby Jesus is a new one. And I myself will be right next to you with my brother's BB gun shooting down those cheesy inflatable things. Especially when it's the only decoration in the yard...

ps I hate public speaking and need to take a Communications class like that next semester.

Tara said...

haha that last house looks like a house i used to pass on the way home. This is good timing cuz I just told my husband last night that I never want inflatable decorations.

What are your thoughts on NEVER taking your Christmas lights down? Just keeping them off does not count.

Brittany said...

Baha. There is a big tree in our neighborhood that looks like people just threw the lights up on the tree and it even has some big ornaments to look like a big outside Christmas tree!

You're so gonna wanna shoot me...we have a Santa riding a lawn mower. Only because I couldn't find Santa riding a John Deere..please forgive me and still be my friend. HAHA!

Elizabeth said...

You made me laugh out loud...retard trees. I totally got what you meant. My hometown strung lights up on the trees outside of city hall...it looks half done.

little ms. sassy shelby said...

Thanks for the sweet comment!

This Christmas light post cracked me up, especially because my Christmas lights this year are SO GHETTO! You would hate them lol

Amanda said...

Wow! You have a lot of spunk my friend, and I like it. Your #2 rule makes me laugh-we have someone in our town who blares "We wish you a Merry Christmas" over loud speakers and choreographs his lights to blink along with the song.

You have to try a gingerbread latte next time you are at Starbucks-they are sinfully delicious!

Thank you for the "aunt" love. It's always nice finding another one...I've only been in the club for 7 mo. and eat up every second!

uhski said...

Haha I love it! You should totally get to make the rules as long as I get to make the rules at who is allowed to have children and who is allowed a driver's license.


Kellie said...

This is pretty great.. and so true! I just love when you get combinations of these. Like.. the overly decorated house with mismatched lights. I had one by my house that had some flashing, some big colorful lights, some icicle, some blue, some read, some white.. headache!

SJ said...

Haahahha, retard trees! We totally have those in my neighborhood. We don't decorate the outside of my house. We never have :(!

Mar said...

I suggest we make this the worldwide rules for outside-decorating during the holidays! Read & learn, people, read & learn :)
My pet peeve is #4, I hate it when people just throw the thing in there and don't bother arragning it so it looks a least a little presentable...
Loved the list :)